Our Fear of Being a Burden

Michael Hughes 00:07
I am Welcome to the Art of aging, which is part of the abundant aging podcast series for United Church homes. On this show, we look at what it means to age in America and end up in places around the world with positive, empowering and compelling stories that we hope encourage everyone everywhere to age with abundance. Today, we’ve got another one of our shortcuts, which really reviews a lot of the prime issues, positions and thoughts in aging that are part of the work of our own Frost Parker Parker center. And I’m very pleased to have the head of our center on the show today to unpack one of them, which is our fear of being a burden as we age Beth, welcome. Hello, Mike. And I just wanted to say this podcast is in support of our annual symposium, which is going to be happening on Friday, October, the fourth at the nationwide conference center in beautiful Columbus, Ohio. For more information on attending in person. And for more options on attending online, please visit UnitedChurchHomes.org/Parker-Center. So Beth, let’s get into it. I mean, that I really was looking forward to unpacking this with you, because this is what we hear again and again that when you age, you will be a burden, and how to when somebody says that. And by the way, I’ve heard that more often from people talking about themselves than I’ve ever heard of somebody talking about a loved one that they are supporting in aging. So where does that land with

Rev. Beth Long-Higgins 01:35
you? Yeah, so it’s a weighty one. And what does it mean to be a burden, it doesn’t have to do with the fact that we don’t want people to be dependent upon us, or we don’t want others. We don’t want to be dependent on other people. Because of that dependence we can feel it can be a burden. And there’s several aspects to this. Part of it is related to asking for help. And we all have varying degrees of ability and comfort with knowing that we, we all need help along the way, and asking for help. And sometimes who we ask for help, you know, can be complicated because we have other relationships with those folks. So in a conversation a couple of years ago, it was actually in 2020, at the beginning of the pandemic had a conversation with a woman who took FMLA leave from her work for several months period of time, she moved several hours away back into the home where her mother was living because her mother had a pretty significant medical episode. And because of the pandemic, she wasn’t able to be admitted into transitional care or nursing care because of everything that was going on. So her daughter took this leave, moved two to three hours away, left her husband back at home, there wasn’t a whole lot of travel that we had happening so that she could care for her mom, and she was telling me about this situation. She said it was amazing. She said, I haven’t spent that much time with just my mom and I since I was probably a little girl. And even then, you know, I think she has siblings, you know, definitely is not the same as when you’re adults and spending time with your mom. And is she from her perspective, just kept on talking about how honored she was to be able to do this at this point in time and just spend this time with her mom. And after she got done telling me about her experience, I said, Well, did you share that with your mom? And she looked at me? And she said, No. And I said, Well, the next time you talk to her, you might want to thank your mom for trusting you and for having had that opportunity. And she said okay, so talk to her two weeks later, and she said I had a conversation with my mom. And she was really surprised because she was feeling guilty that she was being Yeah,

Michael Hughes 04:02
Yeah, guilt is the best word that keeps going through my head. But guilt. Yeah,

Rev. Beth Long-Higgins 04:07
yeah. So we all need help at various points in different kinds of help. And so how do we reframe our thinking, particularly in later life, about the opportunities for us to invite again, back to a previous shortcut that we did talking about who’s on our team as we age and aging as a sport, when we need help? What if we refrained? So the people think about the act of asking for help as an invitation for not only them to provide what we need but an invitation for us to enter in a relationship and to support what they need. Yeah, and this is gonna get to another conversation we have in a little bit, but this is but this is the sort of sort of finish your thought basket. No, go ahead. Go ahead.

Michael Hughes 04:56
But it isn’t. I mean, the guilt does the guilt the guilt What comes from, you know, I know that you have to put other things aside and know that you have to make time and all that. What about it being a referendum on your every bit of relationship leading up to the point of where you’re asking this person from hell, whether it’s a son or a daughter, you know that it or whether it’s your best friend or even a friend, it’s a referendum on your worthiness to receive the hell, right, you’re good enough to do it, you deserve it, you bank this, in,

Rev. Beth Long-Higgins 05:31
you know, in all of this is recognizing that there’s a continuum. And there can be times when we or others, we ask of others, or others ask of us too much that we can’t handle and it does become a little bit burdensome. And when that happens, we need to acknowledge that and we need to have conversations to find some ways that that support everyone’s needs, the mental health needs of the one and maybe the physical needs of the other. That’s what’s being asked for. But when we need the support of other people, it’s not a burden. But can we think of that as an invitation for our relationships to continue, and to continue in new ways?

Michael Hughes 06:13
So let’s think about just how to reframe this, right? I mean, oh, gosh, the gratitude goes both ways. It’s tough for Pete, you know, some people don’t know how to say thank you. You know, it’s tough. So I think that we have to sort of hold ourselves to maybe a higher standard, or a higher example. I don’t know, because there’s a lot of there’s, and this is the thing, too, there are a lot of people for whom providing this hope is an honor and a privilege either because of the, you know, for myriad myriad factors. But there’s always these outlier cases where I hope they’re outliers, just people that are here, the stories, right. And that just compounds this idea of Oh, my gosh, now I’m going to be a burden. The daughter who is strange now has to come back and take care of her mom, because she’s the only one and movies and culture and all this sort of like, you know, out of it, because everyone’s looking for this conflict story. And this conflict story that sort of flowers into this some sort of a redemption, or what have you, we’re looking for those narratives. And this is too important to basically, cheapen it by looking for sort of a Hollywood story. I don’t know, this is what’s flowing through my head right now. Yeah. And

Rev. Beth Long-Higgins 07:26
If the other thing is going through my head, are there all kinds of relationships, and they’re not all healthy? And are there times when one person is aware that they’re being asked all the time and too much of the time, and it is a burden. And for that individual to recognize, okay, this is becoming this relationship is becoming a burden to me, and then, you know, working with those around them to support them to help come up with a plan, what do I need to do for my own mental health? But, you know, in reference to what we’re talking about here, it’s more of thinking about when we’re the ones asking for help? How are we? How can we be conscious about what we’re asking? And yes, we can be aware of what’s happening in their lives. And you know, we don’t want to be a burden asking our kids to come and you know, do this one more time for us. And yet, these are things that we need to have done. And so what can I do when I know that their lives are busy and that they are sacrificing their time? Or, you know, in this situation, that woman was giving up being with her husband and she’s giving up her work? But how can we also then bring to that relationship, and acknowledgement and ingratitude news was what you’re talking about, for them participating? And what can I bring to make this beneficial for them? Yeah,

Michael Hughes 08:56
well look, only the start of this conversation. There’s a lot more to it. I know this is going to be unpacked as we get into our symposium as we get into the other good works through the Frost Parker center. So just thank you very much for being part of this short guide, as we’re calling it a podcast because our other podcasts are like 40 minutes long each. So thank you to our listeners for choosing to listen to this podcast giving us your time. And we have a few more coming up. Please stay tuned for that one. And of course, please consider attending our annual symposium on Friday, October 4, at the nationwide conference center in Columbus, Ohio, the subject of this year’s symposium meaning purpose and redefining retirement. You can find out more about joining in person and also joining virtually by visiting UnitedChurchHomes.org/Parker-Center. Thank you for listening. We’ll see you next time.