Care Partners Not CareGivers

Michael Hughes 00:07
Hi, and welcome to this episode of The Art of aging, which is part of the abundant aging podcast series from United Church homes. On this show, we discussed what it means to age in America and in other places around the world with positive and empowering discussions that inspire us all to age with abundance. Today, I am so privileged to have Beth long Higgins with me on the show that is my co host. She is also the head of the Ruth Frost Parker Center, which is the sponsor of this show. And the mission of the Ruth frost Parker center Beth is to

Rev. Beth Long-Higgins 00:37
is to engage with others who are interested in exploring the riches of abundant aging, to help participate in combating ageism, and to be an educational resource center for those who are looking to reframe how they think about their aging and aging around us.

Michael Hughes 00:54
So and this particular cut, we’re gonna be talking about the concept of caregivers versus care partners. And this is in support of our annual symposium that’s happening on Friday, October the fourth at the nationwide conference center in Columbus, Ohio. For more information about attending the conference, or the subject of which this year is meaning purpose and redefining retirement, we have terrific speakers, including Richard Eisenberg, Anna Hall and Janine Vanderburgh. For more information on attending the conference in person, or virtually, please visit www.unitedchurchhomes.com/Parker-center. So that’s what we’re talking about today, is this concept of care partners. How do you define care partners versus caregivers or rather, let’s just talk about the obvious here, you want us to not think about this giving, giving as one way partners or two way I can kind of see that is that the intent here,

Rev. Beth Long-Higgins 01:48
That’s the insight and to begin this, I want to give a shout out to Marty Richards, a social worker from the state of Washington. And she’s the person who introduced me to this concept, probably about nine or 10 years ago, and in the decade that has transpired, I am aware that we’re not going to get rid of the term caregiver. Because it is for at least for a long time, because it is pretty embedded in the medical model that is around us. But yeah, the idea of us being care partners, helps to recognize that we are in a relationship with each other. And that each person who’s in that relationship brings things to whatever’s happening around us. Whereas a caregiver only talks about the person who has the resources or the ability to provide help to the other person who isn’t even acknowledged in the midst of that relationship. And so what is their role in that relationship? Or is it passive? Is the person who’s the one who’s needing care just laying there in the bed? Are they just, you know, not in conversation? There are all kinds of ways that we come to these kinds of events, right?

Michael Hughes 03:03
But you know, because the term caregiver just sounds very dire. Yeah, okay. Now, I’m a caregiver. Now I’m a caregiver, people associate the term caregiver when something really bad is happening. You know, I have a relationship with my mom, I have a relationship with my dad, my relationship with my mom includes, you know, helping, you know, picking up stuff for her right in relationship with my mom includes phoning her checking in on her, this is just my relationship with my mom. And now something dire has happened. And now you’re not just a daughter, you’re a caregiver, and that label can really kind of punch people right when they first get labeled as a caregiver, I think.

Rev. Beth Long-Higgins 03:40
Yeah, and we know that one of the things that’s really important for individuals is to be able to self actualize, right to be able to participate in letting the world around them know, you know, what did what is our preference? What would we like to have done? How are we feeling? What are our physical needs, what are our emotional needs, and if we’re a partner in that care, then we’re taking ownership for what we bring to the relationship, and the others who are surrounding us as a part of that aging team that we talked about in an earlier episode. I am recognizing that these are people who I’m in a relationship with. And sometimes those relationships are paid relationships, because we need the professional care of others. And sometimes those are familial or informal relationships. So I think of my grandmother, and she spent the last eight years of her life living in a retirement community, one of our retirement communities that United Church homes,

Michael Hughes 04:42
church homes. Yeah.

Rev. Beth Long-Higgins 04:44
And she was always talking about the lives of the aides and the dietary workers that she got to know because she was interested. She would ask them when they came in, how are you doing today? How’s your family? How Was Your child? How did the soccer game go last night? She was aware that she was in a relationship. And she acknowledged that these are people that she cared about. And by her participation in that relationship, she was partnering with what they were able to provide in the midst of that professional, those were for PrEP professional relationships that they were providing in the midst of their work. Whereas my grandfather, who at the very same time was in the very same community. And I don’t know that he really even cared about the names of the people who were surrounding him. And he needed much more physical support than she did. They were definitely caregiving to him because he wasn’t participating in a relationship.

Michael Hughes 05:45
So there’s a valuable opportunity here. And I think that, you know, we’re thinking about moving needles on on just sentiment and thoughts on relationships, you know, it really does, there is a strong relationship with the person receiving the support, to really define or redefine, you know, the, you know, that relationship, right, versus, you know, it’s almost like, you know, by you doing this for me, then I am able to do this and this, and I and there’s gratitude in that. Right, right. So that’s what’s kind of going through my head right now is just that if I’m having the benefit of receiving the support of others, practicing that gratitude is a way of not so much encouraging people to give you that support. But the people who are providing that support to help me overcome stigmas, or I don’t know, there’s because there’s a lot there. I mean, there’s people that think that a caregiving or caring partnership is an honor and a privilege. And then there’s people that are Oh, my gosh, this always falls on me, you know, I’m the murderer. Okay, I’ll just do it. You know, there’s, and I just worry about the people, that is you know, the things that way?

Rev. Beth Long-Higgins 06:52
Yeah. And there are obviously times when we are physically or emotionally really struggling. And so we can’t get beyond the physical pain that we’re experiencing. And I know that and yet, we still have the ability in the midst of whatever that incident, that crisis that may be going on to recognize that that physician is a human being, that that the aid is a human being Yeah, and if I can contribute to being grateful to thanking them, to, to wanting to learn their name, not to become friends, but to acknowledge that they are human beings as well, they’re going to be more likely to want to be around me when I have needs. And you know, when I worked as a nurse aide, I was, I would like to say that I treated everyone the same, but I had my favorites. And the favorite residents for those who got to ask questions about me and got to know me a little bit more, and I got to know them a little bit more. And so how do we move beyond the impersonal passive caregiver is giving to, we don’t even name what the other that they’re giving, to recognizing that we all have a partnership that this is a relationship. And each one of these relationships is different, but everybody has something to offer. When we get to those crisis points, we meet each other.

Michael Hughes 08:15
Yeah, and I do want to also put a plug in for a United Church home. It is a wonderful service called navigate. You can find out more about it at uchnaviguide.org. And these are persons that are ready to be in your corner to help you think through and work through issues and aging that you may be encountering. For the first time, like getting on Medicaid waiver programs or qualifying for certain types of other supports or even just finding trusted community resources in your area, navigate is there to help so UCHNaviguide.org. So please check that out. And Beth, I know that we only have a couple minutes really just to unpack the start of this thought. But I just do want to tell our listeners that these are the sorts of topics that are covered and explored with Ruth Ross Parker center, and the wonderful cadre of thought leaders and contributors and fans that you have built and I hope that everyone will get a chance to see this come to life through our annual symposium which is happening on Friday, October 4 at the nationwide conference center in Columbus, Ohio. For more information on attending virtually or in person. The subject this year is meaning purpose and redefining retirement, please visit UnitedChurchHomes.org/Parker-center. Beth Any final thoughts before we close it out today?

Rev. Beth Long-Higgins 09:46
It is great to partner with you Mike.

Michael Hughes 09:51
And it is always great to partner with you back. And well. It’s great to partner with you our listeners and we look forward to speaking with you and having you on having you listen to This trip next time thank you so much!